April 1, 2019 Campus Feature Jake Holt Uncategorized

Murphy goes to ‘Merica


United States of America, one of the most traveled countries in the world, has had few travelers actually go there. Kody Murphy ‘19 was bold enough to travel there during his younger years.

America runs on the Christian calendar and Dunkin’ Donuts®. When it comes to the Christian holiday of Christmas and Easter, school and work is often called off. In some cases people can be off school for multiple weeks. Another great holiday is April Fool’s Day, which can be celebrated by writing comedic and sometimes untrue articles in local newspapers.

America’s President, Donald Trump, is seen in many people’s eyes as an overqualified leader who is totally self-made and has never wronged anyone. Murphy has a different take.

Orange man bad” said Kody shaking almost violently.

One of the countries largest sports is ‘American football’. It is rumored this is named after the rest of the world’s favorite sport coincidentally also called ‘football’. To many traveler’s surprise, football, to America, is actually a potato-shaped ball that is thrown between player and player until they eventually run into a box that is painted on the field. To stop the ‘play’, the player either must fall or be tackled to the ground. At the beginning of a play, players can also kick the potato between two bright yellow posts at the end of the field.

As far as cuisine goes, there are many great foods in America. Some food is a lot more popular than other food. There is the hamburger which is a meat patty between two pieces of bread that originated in Germany, French fries which originated from Germany, and the hot dog which is a also a concept from Germany.

Murphy had a pleasant experience with the food.


As a lot of people know, the United States is one of about four countries to use the Standard Measurement System. This means they prefer yards, feet, and inches over meters. This can cause a lot of confusion when the phrase “The Whole Nine Yards” is used. Do they mean 27 feet or nine estates? Not even the residents know.

The Midwest region of the US is at war with the rest of the country over the use of ranch. Many Midwesterners believe it should be America’s national food. They want ranch on everything including ice cream, chicken, and, in extreme cases, pies. The rest of America believes that ranch will ruin food if you put it on anything. Ranch is often argued from the perspective that it is actually a drug that will cause you to say “ope” and “I’m gonna sneak right past ya” substantially more.

One thing America can agree on is it loves guns and explosives. It is cultural tradition that when a member of the armed forces passes, three riflemen have to do what is called a “21 Gun Salute” where they shoot guns in the air with a total of 21 shots. What happens when more or less shots are fired? People don’t know because their ears are usually ringing after the rifles go off so it is difficult to count. But Americans also use explosives in celebrations. In order to show other countries that the United States is not to be trifled with, normal day-to-day citizens will shoot explosives containing magnesium, aluminum, and other metals in the air to show that not even aircraft can take down the magnificent country on their independence day. On top of that, the US is proud of its defense budget which is first for being the largest in the world and is larger than the next seven countries combined.

There are many beautiful sites to visit when you travel to the United States. One such place is called ‘Car Henge’. This beautiful monument resides in the state of Nebraska, which is the hub of travelers from all over the world. Nicknamed “The Eighth Modern Wonder of the World” by locals of Nebraska, Car Henge is like Stone Henge but with cars. Car Henge is also is viewed as modern art due to the arrangement of cars and because it represents capitalism which is one of their biggest values.

Murphy had seen many lands when he was here.

When asked about an odd place he had been to when he was here, he said “Gary, Indiana”.

Murphy did not elaborate, however his shaking was now more intense than before.

Murphy recalls one time when he was in a low spot while in America.

“One morning I wanted some Vegemite on toast but apparently you can’t get that here in the United States so I want back to bed and cried.”

Murphy’s last bit of advice to travelers is “Don’t go to Gary, Indiana.”

Murphy began shaking once again and began sobbing.

All in all, America is a very strange country. Even the citizens are ready for war and all of their food and traditions are stolen from other countries.

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