April 1, 2019 Campus Feature Syndey Bossidis Uncategorized

The Almanian has no more story ideas


As of Mar. 25, 2019, the Almanian has ran out of stories to report on. This has put the future of the newspaper in jeopardy as well as those who work for it. There has been a new push to find topics from the dark side of campus, however, those discovers cannot be disclosed at this time.

Each week, every member of the staff is responsible for contributing at least one idea to a forum that is kept on the dark web where it cannot be found without a special link. One theorized reason for the lack of content is that people are losing access and are afraid to admit it. This cannot be confirmed.

Members of the Almanian have their own ways on finding stories. Kate Westphal (’21), stated that she uses a Magic 8 Ball and an Ouija board to find stories students would be interested in and if they are worth writing about. “I’ve tried meditation and opening my third eye in order to get [new] story ideas, but the only thing I got from that was the realignment of my chakras,” said Westphal.

Hank Wickley (’20), a sports writer for the Almanian, said that trying to find stories just became too much for him. “I used to go to every single sporting even both home and away no matter where they were…I had to cut back.” He has recently been recruiting others to travel and take notes for him.

When asked how Wickley used to determine the stories he would report on, he said, “[I write] what’s most interesting to me. Not really sure how important it is to the rest of my readers. If it’s interesting me in the athletic world then that’s what I’m going to write about.”

For Emily Henderson (’21), she started struggling to find stories after being bitten by a vampire bat. While she used to run to get ideas, being in the sunlight has been causing allergic reactions, so she has started to sleep upside-down to get ideas.

The writers’ block has increased for Henderson to the point she struggled to answer some interview questions. She claimed that her previous article might have been her last and said, “I can no longer come up with things to say.”

Last month, the Almanian struggled to narrow down which stories would be published because there were many ideas such as exploring Punxsutawney Phil’s connection to the squirrels on campus and the heartbreaking truth about the Valentine’s Day on campus. These are no longer relevant given the time that has passed.

Students will now have to find other ways to catch up on the news from around campus and the outside world. Wickley said students will now have to go to all sporting events to know what is happening. Westphal has heard rumors that the squirrels around campus will share the important news if caught; she has not been successful in this endeavor.

The future of the Almanian is currently unclear. Kate believes that it will only exist as a legend in the upcoming years. Wickley would like to turn it into a publication of fictional sport novellas he writes to replace the traditional news. It is possible that the end of the semester will mark the end of the Almanian.

The future of some of the staff is not as clear. Westphal intends to continue writing to satisfy the deal she made with the spirits, while Wickley will work on short stories. As for Henderson, and many other writers, photographers and editors, they will have to find other forms of income such as selling platelets

To replace the weekly stories, the next publication will include articles published in Klingon, Spanish and Binary code. The weekly Sudoku will still be included. As for graphics, there will be political propaganda published in the paper from the 1800s. Articles will be repeated from the 1990s and Hallmark movie reviews will be on the front page.

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