Campus squirrels are to pay tuition


It has recently been decided that the squirrels seen around the campus of Alma College will be contributing to the college by paying tuition.

The movement came to light after many students came forward on social media, naming the squirrels as a vital part of campus life and unintentionally leading the attention of the administration to the issue.

“We don’t blame [the students],” said a representative for the Alma squirrel community. “What they did wasn’t meant to turn out this way. However, we will be doing whatever we can to avoid paying these dues when we don’t deserve to be charged with them in the first place.”

Since this news has leaked, students have reported seeing a decreased number of squirrels around campus. “As soon as there was talk around campus about charging the squirrels tuition, I noticed a huge decrease in squirrel sightings.” said Emma Grossbauer (’22). “I usually see squirrels in Mac Mall every day, but as soon as the news came out, they disappeared.”

“We’re really just trying to look out for our families.” said the representative. “Many of us don’t have the money to put forward to the college while still taking care of ourselves. We would like the college to understand that although we are indebted to them for allowing us to make our homes and raise our families here, we are not willing to give them the money we’ve been working so hard to obtain in the first place.”

“I think that Alma College is asking too much of its students,” said Nathan Fetter (’22). “It allows all of these squirrels to roam around our campus and use our amenities for free. I not only believe that squirrels should be charged tuition, but I believe that I shouldn’t have to pay anything. The squirrels should be paying for me.”

“I also believe that there should be absolutely no financial assistance for them.” continued Fetter. “I’m tired of the freeloading.”

“Of course [they should pay tuition],” said Blake Jonassen (’22). “As of now, they are complete freeloaders [who are] draining the college of its acorn and tree resources as well as [being] able to visit any class they want for free. If they don’t start paying tuition, we should be able to kick them off campus.”

“They should pay tuition. If they wanted to, they could take classes.” said Preston Riegel (’22). “They live on campus, so they should at least pay room and board. It could help the school provide more scholarships for students.”

“Squirrels should definitely be charged tuition. They live on campus, eat food grown on and provided by college property, and add to the culture.” said Ava Gardiner (’21). “For every pound of acorns they hole, they should be charged as much as a credit hours costs.”

However, not all students feel that Alma’s squirrels are freeloading. “They have been squatting here for long enough that I think [they legally] own the land.” said Eric Ferrara (’19).

“I don’t think they should pay tuition.” commented Allison Harris (’22). “They’re not using anything the school has to offer except for the land they live on. If we make the squirrels pay tuition, we might as well have birds, ants, and worms pay tuition as well.”

“I don’t think that the Alma squirrels should be forced to pay tuition.” said Grossbauer. “They don’t take classes and they don’t eat our food. Maybe just a small fee for being on campus, but not the full 50 thousand dollars.”

Whether this new policy will be changed is yet to be seen. These changes are scheduled to take place next fall.

College removes scottless scots


Bad news, Scots who aren’t Scottish. President Abernathy has just released a statement saying that all students who are not Scottish by blood will be expelled.

Currently, students that are 100 percent Scottish are the only ones that will be allowed to remain on campus. If there are not enough students on campus after those who are fully Scottish have arrived and enrolled, the campus will begin to allow those who have a high amount of Scottish ancestry in their family to attend classes. The school stands firm on going no lower than 75 percent Scottish among their student body.

Many students still on campus have been asking one question: Will my credits transfer? The college’s reply? No. President Abernathy feels as though only students who are true Scots should be allowed to keep the credits they’ve earned from Alma.

Many students feel as though this new rule is unfair. “I feel like our school always preaches inclusiveness and welcomes people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, so this new rule is absolutely awful,” said Mackinley Prentice (‘20).  Although this new rule will affect many students, the college still feels as though it will be more beneficial for Scottish students to learn while being surrounded by students of a similar background.

Some students feel as though this change is for the better and will allow campus to flourish in a way it has never before.

“Finally,” said Courtney Smith (‘21). “I first heard about it when I was touring here two years ago, so there’s definitely been buzz. I think it’s a good change. I mean, we call Alma, Michigan ‘Scotland USA’ yet there are students here who aren’t Scottish. It’s ridiculous.” 

While the feedback has been both negative and positive, many students still need to decide what they’re going to do about this change. Some feel as though they’ll be able to fake being Scottish. “[I wear] a kilt most Saturdays during football season,” said Bridget Eshleman (‘20).

While some students are willing to attempt to fake their heritage, others are not entirely sure what this means for them. “I am still waiting for my 23 and Me results to come back, but I’m like 85 percent sure that I’m four percent Scottish,” said Prentice.

The college will rule with an iron fist, and they don’t intend to let students off easy. Each student will now need to send in their DNA to Ancestry DNA and give the information found to the college to ensure that all people enrolled meet the minimum Scottish heritage requirement.

Non-Scottish Scots need to begin making plans to ensure they know what they’ll be doing next semester. “I’m just going to go back to Indiana, where I’m from,” said Smith. Other students are still unsure whether or not this change will truly happen.

One positive that will come from this change is the full ride “Scots Scot” scholarship that is in the making. The college intends to give full rides to students who have definitive proof that they are, indeed, 100 percent Scottish. Presently, the college is anticipating that the attendance rate will skyrocket with scholarships such as this being awarded.

Many students have decided that they’re not leaving Alma College without a fight. “I would tell [President Abernathy] that this rule is absolutely outrageous and that we are all true Scots at heart,” said Prentice.

While most students will be wrapping up this semester with a heavy heart, there are a select few that feel as though this change is no big deal. “I’m not Scottish and, frankly, I know I should leave. I feel unwelcome. People always wave kilts and bagpipes in my face, all day long,” said Smith.

It is unsure if this new rule will apply to professors and administration as well, but workers of the college should be prepared for the college to come down on their heritage as

Whether or not students are happy with this change, it is said that it will be put into effect on April 20th, 2019, so students who are not Scottish need to begin preparing to start their fall semester elsewhere. 

The Almanian has no more story ideas


As of Mar. 25, 2019, the Almanian has ran out of stories to report on. This has put the future of the newspaper in jeopardy as well as those who work for it. There has been a new push to find topics from the dark side of campus, however, those discovers cannot be disclosed at this time.

Each week, every member of the staff is responsible for contributing at least one idea to a forum that is kept on the dark web where it cannot be found without a special link. One theorized reason for the lack of content is that people are losing access and are afraid to admit it. This cannot be confirmed.

Members of the Almanian have their own ways on finding stories. Kate Westphal (’21), stated that she uses a Magic 8 Ball and an Ouija board to find stories students would be interested in and if they are worth writing about. “I’ve tried meditation and opening my third eye in order to get [new] story ideas, but the only thing I got from that was the realignment of my chakras,” said Westphal.

Hank Wickley (’20), a sports writer for the Almanian, said that trying to find stories just became too much for him. “I used to go to every single sporting even both home and away no matter where they were…I had to cut back.” He has recently been recruiting others to travel and take notes for him.

When asked how Wickley used to determine the stories he would report on, he said, “[I write] what’s most interesting to me. Not really sure how important it is to the rest of my readers. If it’s interesting me in the athletic world then that’s what I’m going to write about.”

For Emily Henderson (’21), she started struggling to find stories after being bitten by a vampire bat. While she used to run to get ideas, being in the sunlight has been causing allergic reactions, so she has started to sleep upside-down to get ideas.

The writers’ block has increased for Henderson to the point she struggled to answer some interview questions. She claimed that her previous article might have been her last and said, “I can no longer come up with things to say.”

Last month, the Almanian struggled to narrow down which stories would be published because there were many ideas such as exploring Punxsutawney Phil’s connection to the squirrels on campus and the heartbreaking truth about the Valentine’s Day on campus. These are no longer relevant given the time that has passed.

Students will now have to find other ways to catch up on the news from around campus and the outside world. Wickley said students will now have to go to all sporting events to know what is happening. Westphal has heard rumors that the squirrels around campus will share the important news if caught; she has not been successful in this endeavor.

The future of the Almanian is currently unclear. Kate believes that it will only exist as a legend in the upcoming years. Wickley would like to turn it into a publication of fictional sport novellas he writes to replace the traditional news. It is possible that the end of the semester will mark the end of the Almanian.

The future of some of the staff is not as clear. Westphal intends to continue writing to satisfy the deal she made with the spirits, while Wickley will work on short stories. As for Henderson, and many other writers, photographers and editors, they will have to find other forms of income such as selling platelets

To replace the weekly stories, the next publication will include articles published in Klingon, Spanish and Binary code. The weekly Sudoku will still be included. As for graphics, there will be political propaganda published in the paper from the 1800s. Articles will be repeated from the 1990s and Hallmark movie reviews will be on the front page.

Murphy goes to ‘Merica


United States of America, one of the most traveled countries in the world, has had few travelers actually go there. Kody Murphy ‘19 was bold enough to travel there during his younger years.

America runs on the Christian calendar and Dunkin’ Donuts®. When it comes to the Christian holiday of Christmas and Easter, school and work is often called off. In some cases people can be off school for multiple weeks. Another great holiday is April Fool’s Day, which can be celebrated by writing comedic and sometimes untrue articles in local newspapers.

America’s President, Donald Trump, is seen in many people’s eyes as an overqualified leader who is totally self-made and has never wronged anyone. Murphy has a different take.

Orange man bad” said Kody shaking almost violently.

One of the countries largest sports is ‘American football’. It is rumored this is named after the rest of the world’s favorite sport coincidentally also called ‘football’. To many traveler’s surprise, football, to America, is actually a potato-shaped ball that is thrown between player and player until they eventually run into a box that is painted on the field. To stop the ‘play’, the player either must fall or be tackled to the ground. At the beginning of a play, players can also kick the potato between two bright yellow posts at the end of the field.

As far as cuisine goes, there are many great foods in America. Some food is a lot more popular than other food. There is the hamburger which is a meat patty between two pieces of bread that originated in Germany, French fries which originated from Germany, and the hot dog which is a also a concept from Germany.

Murphy had a pleasant experience with the food.


As a lot of people know, the United States is one of about four countries to use the Standard Measurement System. This means they prefer yards, feet, and inches over meters. This can cause a lot of confusion when the phrase “The Whole Nine Yards” is used. Do they mean 27 feet or nine estates? Not even the residents know.

The Midwest region of the US is at war with the rest of the country over the use of ranch. Many Midwesterners believe it should be America’s national food. They want ranch on everything including ice cream, chicken, and, in extreme cases, pies. The rest of America believes that ranch will ruin food if you put it on anything. Ranch is often argued from the perspective that it is actually a drug that will cause you to say “ope” and “I’m gonna sneak right past ya” substantially more.

One thing America can agree on is it loves guns and explosives. It is cultural tradition that when a member of the armed forces passes, three riflemen have to do what is called a “21 Gun Salute” where they shoot guns in the air with a total of 21 shots. What happens when more or less shots are fired? People don’t know because their ears are usually ringing after the rifles go off so it is difficult to count. But Americans also use explosives in celebrations. In order to show other countries that the United States is not to be trifled with, normal day-to-day citizens will shoot explosives containing magnesium, aluminum, and other metals in the air to show that not even aircraft can take down the magnificent country on their independence day. On top of that, the US is proud of its defense budget which is first for being the largest in the world and is larger than the next seven countries combined.

There are many beautiful sites to visit when you travel to the United States. One such place is called ‘Car Henge’. This beautiful monument resides in the state of Nebraska, which is the hub of travelers from all over the world. Nicknamed “The Eighth Modern Wonder of the World” by locals of Nebraska, Car Henge is like Stone Henge but with cars. Car Henge is also is viewed as modern art due to the arrangement of cars and because it represents capitalism which is one of their biggest values.

Murphy had seen many lands when he was here.

When asked about an odd place he had been to when he was here, he said “Gary, Indiana”.

Murphy did not elaborate, however his shaking was now more intense than before.

Murphy recalls one time when he was in a low spot while in America.

“One morning I wanted some Vegemite on toast but apparently you can’t get that here in the United States so I want back to bed and cried.”

Murphy’s last bit of advice to travelers is “Don’t go to Gary, Indiana.”

Murphy began shaking once again and began sobbing.

All in all, America is a very strange country. Even the citizens are ready for war and all of their food and traditions are stolen from other countries.

Alma College to sell South Campus


Desperate times call for desperate measures at Alma College this upcoming year.
Due to recent budget cuts and rising expenses, Alma College has agreed to sell South Campus asa possible solution to the college’s financial troubles.
South Campus is home to primarily upperclassmen, such as students with Junior and Senior status. It consists of Bonbright and CareyHall, Nisbet and Brazell Hall and Wright Hall.
These semi-isolated dorms provide upperclassmen with suite-style rooms and their personal bathrooms that connect two adjoining rooms.
“I really enjoy being able to have my own bathroom and a more independent style of living from my Freshman and Sophomore year,” said Allison Ray (’20), who is a current Junior living onSouth Campus.
The dorms on South Campus are a short walk away from North Campus and the Swanson Academic Center. They provide students with amore calm and isolated style of living then onNorth Campus.
Nisbet, Brazell, Carey and Bonbright Hall all offer students places to study and areas to hang out instead of having to walk to North Campus or the library.


“It is nice having my own space to go to after being in class or the library all day,” said Ray.

South Campus even recently had Wright Hall newly renovated. Wright hall offers students apartment style living with their own bathroom, kitchen and living space to do homework or watch TV.

With South Campus to soon be sold, it then begs the question as to where the current Juniors and Sophomores will live next year?

“If South Campus got sold that would make me homeless for next year. I literally have no clue where they would put that many students. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if they did move everyone to North Campus,” said Naomi Oravitz(’21), who will be of Junior status in the Fall 2019 semester.

Although students believe South Campus could use some much-needed renovations, the students currently living on South will have to find somewhere else to live.

“Maybe it’s good because the buildings are old anyways, but it is quite worrisome for me to possibly not have a dorm for my senior year,” said Ray.

The removal of South Campus would only leave the Wright Avenue apartments and the–soon to be built–Opera House for upperclassmen. The Opera House is expected to be ready for students to move in at the beginning of the Fall 2019 semester.

With the Wright Avenue apartments having a total of 68 beds available and the Opera house not built yet, and when built only available to students with a 3.5 grade point average or higher, upperclassmen may be forced to live on North Campus.

North Campus consists of four dorms: Gelston, Newberry, Mitchell and Bruske. They are home to primarily Freshman and Sophomores.

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