April 1, 2019 Bailey Langbo Feature Uncategorized

Campus squirrels are to pay tuition


It has recently been decided that the squirrels seen around the campus of Alma College will be contributing to the college by paying tuition.

The movement came to light after many students came forward on social media, naming the squirrels as a vital part of campus life and unintentionally leading the attention of the administration to the issue.

“We don’t blame [the students],” said a representative for the Alma squirrel community. “What they did wasn’t meant to turn out this way. However, we will be doing whatever we can to avoid paying these dues when we don’t deserve to be charged with them in the first place.”

Since this news has leaked, students have reported seeing a decreased number of squirrels around campus. “As soon as there was talk around campus about charging the squirrels tuition, I noticed a huge decrease in squirrel sightings.” said Emma Grossbauer (’22). “I usually see squirrels in Mac Mall every day, but as soon as the news came out, they disappeared.”

“We’re really just trying to look out for our families.” said the representative. “Many of us don’t have the money to put forward to the college while still taking care of ourselves. We would like the college to understand that although we are indebted to them for allowing us to make our homes and raise our families here, we are not willing to give them the money we’ve been working so hard to obtain in the first place.”

“I think that Alma College is asking too much of its students,” said Nathan Fetter (’22). “It allows all of these squirrels to roam around our campus and use our amenities for free. I not only believe that squirrels should be charged tuition, but I believe that I shouldn’t have to pay anything. The squirrels should be paying for me.”

“I also believe that there should be absolutely no financial assistance for them.” continued Fetter. “I’m tired of the freeloading.”

“Of course [they should pay tuition],” said Blake Jonassen (’22). “As of now, they are complete freeloaders [who are] draining the college of its acorn and tree resources as well as [being] able to visit any class they want for free. If they don’t start paying tuition, we should be able to kick them off campus.”

“They should pay tuition. If they wanted to, they could take classes.” said Preston Riegel (’22). “They live on campus, so they should at least pay room and board. It could help the school provide more scholarships for students.”

“Squirrels should definitely be charged tuition. They live on campus, eat food grown on and provided by college property, and add to the culture.” said Ava Gardiner (’21). “For every pound of acorns they hole, they should be charged as much as a credit hours costs.”

However, not all students feel that Alma’s squirrels are freeloading. “They have been squatting here for long enough that I think [they legally] own the land.” said Eric Ferrara (’19).

“I don’t think they should pay tuition.” commented Allison Harris (’22). “They’re not using anything the school has to offer except for the land they live on. If we make the squirrels pay tuition, we might as well have birds, ants, and worms pay tuition as well.”

“I don’t think that the Alma squirrels should be forced to pay tuition.” said Grossbauer. “They don’t take classes and they don’t eat our food. Maybe just a small fee for being on campus, but not the full 50 thousand dollars.”

Whether this new policy will be changed is yet to be seen. These changes are scheduled to take place next fall.

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