Abernathy joins the 2024 presidential race

EMMA FIGLEWICZ
PHOTO EDITOR

4/1/2024

Amid the nation seeking to find new leadership for the future, a new contender has emerged on the political landscape. Jeff Abernathy, President of Alma College, has officially thrown his hat into the ring for the 2024 presidential election. 

With the political climate charged with uncertainty and the nation yearning for a fresh perspective and some decisive action, Abernathy brings a unique blend of passion and integrity.  

Although his entry onto the ballet may be late, after watching Ryan Gosling perform at the Oscars, Abernathy felt that the performance of ‘I’m Just Ken’ was motivating him to join the presidential race.  

“I plan to wear pink at major campaign events and celebrate my campaign slogan in song: So, hey world, check me out, yeah, I’m just Jeff. Baby, I’m just Jeff,” said Abernathy.  

“I think we all can relate to Abernathy’s slogan. The message that he is trying to convey has really struck a chord with me. I think all Americans need to realize they are [ken]enough,” said Cohen Schreoder (’26).  

There are many issues that candidates focus on to fuel their campaigns. Abernathy has decided to tap into his Scottish roots and is running on one major issue: bagpipes for everyone.  

“I believe that everyone in the United States deserves to have a free set of bagpipes. If we get more bagpipes into the hands of the average American citizen, only good things can happen. Also, of course, I will be advocating for free college for all,” said Abernathy.  

“He is acting how he is campaigning. My college-issued bagpipes [have] taken me further in life than any college education ever could. But free college would be nice also,” said Schreoder. 

Abernathy has high hopes for his chances of winning the election. The strategy he will be implementing utilizes the influence of a major pop star to help increase his odds of winning.  

“My Hail Mary strategy is to pass Taylor Swift a friendship bracelet and ask her to join the ticket [for] an Abernathy-Swift combo. I could be convinced to take Swift- Abernathy if she would join the ticket. If nothing else, our combined age is half of the combined ages of Biden and Trump,” said Abernathy. 

“If Taylor were to join the ticket I would be inclined to vote for Abernathy when the election draws near. Taylor has shown herself to have a great sense of judgment when it comes to a person’s character. Taylor knows when someone comes from a good background and has [a] good work ethic,” said Sofia Floros (‘26).  

Abernathy plans to utilize the skills that he has learned during his time as President of Alma College if he gets elected as President of the United States.  

“At Alma College, students learn to think critically, serve generously, lead purposefully, and live responsibly. This could not be a greater contrast to D.C, where politicians learn to paralyze the government and refuse any hint of compromise,” said Abernathy.  

With a platform centered on unity and respect, Abernathy seeks to galvanize support and mobilize a diverse coalition of voters united by a shared commitment to progress and prosperity for all.  

Abernathy’s candidacy is poised to reshape the political landscape and inspire meaningful dialogue about the future direction of the country. The election will commence on Nov. 5 where Abernathy will be the first candidate to be running under the Scots party.

Happy April Fools’ Day!